A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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