so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
