I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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