If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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