FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
