we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
