wakey wakey hands off snakey
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
