I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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