I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
