Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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