I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
