you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
