did you get engaged???
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
