i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
