I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
