At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
