I'm lost and stupid without you.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
