Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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