I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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