A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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