Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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