You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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