Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
