mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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