eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
