Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
