hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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