so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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