Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
