Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
