just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
