come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
