my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
