I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Randomize
