By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
