how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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