Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
