Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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