That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
