I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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