ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
