I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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