Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
