how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
