farters have to be the big spoon...
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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