Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
