Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
