I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
