i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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