I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
