the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
